Source: Lessons Learned?
We walk through this life in concrete belief that everything in this world is Source, God, Spirit, Creator, Universe, whatever you want to call it. Yet conveniently forget the fact that we were also blessed with the gift of Free Will. Almost as though, when the laws of the universe tip the scales to the other end of the spectrum, we happen to forget the past choices that led us to this place…..hear me out….
From my personal perspective, yes, everything in this world is Source. Yes, we have lessons to learn, and are provided the opportunities to learn these lessons via divinely placed speed bumps along the path. Yes, that is what each of these experiences are supposed to be utilized for. Some even believe that we choose what we need to experience before we enter this lifetime, in an effort for our souls to evolve. But what if we are only continuing to need these experiences because we never fully learned them in times (or lifetimes) past?
What if we only continue to experience these lessons, because we never fully learn what they are placed there for? Therefore, passing the mentalities, mindsets, beliefs, lifestyles and behaviors on to generation after generation, including the burden of our behaviors and the task of learning? What if…we took responsibility for our free will and choices? What if we didn’t pass on the task from generations and lifetimes? Is all that is happening a passing on of our fruitless attempts to truly embrace the growth, wisdom and love that Source is so desperately trying to remind us of?
There’s a brand new generation being born right now. What are we going to pass on to them? What can we learn that will eliminate being passed on? What if we dropped what we were doing, and created a foundation for these children that was built on the solid bricks of unconditional love, oneness, compassion, cooperation, wisdom, authenticity, acceptance and humility? Would they miss out on the richness and depth of a full and beautiful existence? Would this be the price of relieving them of the burden of experiencing homelessness, abuse, bullying? Or would they grow in the light of Creator that we spend our entire lives reaching for and embodying? I’ll give you a hint….we don’t know….
We don’t know because we have never accomplished this feat, ever, in modern human history. Personally, I’d really, really, really love to find out.
Love and light sent your way today and always,
I used to be an energetic, enthusiastic, curious and joyful child. Just like most of us are. And just like what many of us experience, I ran into push back and ridicule when I ventured out into the big world. Mainly for my looks, but also for my thoughts, emotions, ideas, and words. My reaction was also like many others…I shut down and conformed to a certain extent. This made me physically ill, and left me a little dead inside, but I wanted to belong more than I wanted to be me. I numbed primarily by closing my mouth, just trying to fit in, agreeing to and participating in things that did not line up with my soul. Like every other human being on the planet, my need to belong was at the expense of Self.
Instead of staying true to me, and allowing my tribe to find me, I hushed myself and held on with a death grip to the people who were either connecting with me in order to treat me the exact same way I was treating myself, or the ones who were trying to get away. The good news is that I never forgot who I was. I silenced and denied myself instead. Which inevitably led to a shaky foundation built purely on the ever changing and not so pleasant views, opinions, and validations from others. This was not anyone’s fault but my own. As they were only reflecting back to me what I had convinced myself of on the inside.
My foundation was fear and uncertainty, plain and simple. With denying of Self, there’s denying of love. Because, personally, I believe that that is what we are, and we can’t give what we don’t have. However, always, in the back of my mind, my conscious was still fired up and raging, reminding me constantly of who I was and trying desperately to guide me regardless of how hard I fought. What I didn’t know, at this young age, was what all these pieces of me meant. This led to many years of confusion, fear, anger, and self-abuse.
I was active in eating disorders by middle school, attracting to and seeking out toxic relationships by mid high school, and active addiction shortly after graduation. Those pieces of me that I couldn’t define, began to become clearer a few years later, and I began to connect the dots throughout my life. I am a visionary and I have a very different view of how our world could work, than how we are currently functioning. I am an empath and an intuit. I see right between the lines, I cut straight through the bullshit, and I can feel others energy and emotions as though they were my own. I always know people’s intentions, behaviors, and patterns, sometimes the second they walk through the door. I also know their pain, their suffering, their joy, and bliss as well. This applies to other energies too. I began to understand that I had a purpose of healing to fulfill, and that all of these experiences were leading me down my path. I began to understand that I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of others.
But alas, my desperate need to belong still reigned, and I allowed myself to be convinced I was crazy. I continued to agree to things that did not line up with my soul, and I continued to attract my mirrors, in what I believe was my Higher Power’s desperate attempts to call me back home to the place inside where it resides. To heal, to rest, to love, to rise, and to shine. But I didn’t listen, of course, and when the proverbial brick wall knocked me over with divinely inspired force, I broke. This time, though, was different. I didn’t numb. I always numb. In a millions different ways, by a million different means, I always denied Self in the truest way possible, and that was to not feel. But this time I felt. I felt every possible emotions in the human experience, to the point that I didn’t know what I was feeling.
I stayed here for a year or so, trying to make sense of what just happened, what did it all mean, and what was I supposed to do with it. I felt love like I’d never felt it before. I also felt excitement, joy, hatred, anger, fear, bliss, dumbfounded, forgiveness, and faith on the exact same level. I went from my typical introverted, closed mouth, insecure self and took it to the opposite extreme, reaching out and connecting to the point of exhaustion. It’s okay, because it probably saved me, and I was blessed with the gift of connections to so many angels in human form. However, I once again found myself agreeing to and participating in things that did not line up with my soul. So I sat still, I released, and I got aligned.
I have never in my life wanted to, thought to, or attempted to intentionally harm another human being. I am no different from another, for this is certainly part of my darkness. However, I directed that energy inward instead of outward. I’m no saint, but conscience mixed in with co-dependence wouldn’t allow intentional harm towards others in the past, and my quest to line up with love and that conscience won’t allow it now. I get angry over injustices and wrongs not being made right. I get angry at intentional harms being done by others to others. I get angry by the enabling of these actions and atmospheres. I get sad over losses of time an relations, and memories of experiences. But I don’t stay in these emotions. I let myself feel them and let them tell me what they need to tell me. I don’t judge myself for feeling them, and I don’t act while I’m feeling them. I release them with love when it’s time, and repeat the process each time they arrive.
Yes, I feel these things. However, in the core of my being, I have a belief, an understanding, you could even call it an agreement between myself and my higher power, that each and every experience has been a lesson. An opportunity. Each experience has been a chance for me to get back in alignment of love. Beginning with me, and radiating it out. I would not change a second of my life for what I have today.
I was born with a number of physical defects and disorders that led me to fear my survival on a regular basis. Many nights were spent with my head hitting the pillow just asking that I woke up the next morning. Today I’m learning to trust my body and treat it like a temple. Being grateful for the job that it is doing. I lived the majority of my life in shame of my chubbiness and inability to obtain a flat stomach. Facing ridicule and teasing as early as the 1st grade. Today I’m learning to love my body and appreciate it’s determination to take care of me. I chased after, attracted, and held onto toxic and abusive relationships of all kinds for the first 25 years. Even to the point of becoming exactly what it is that I despised by reacting abusively to the abuse itself. Today I begin with loving myself, having rock solid boundaries only on intentional harms, and practicing unconditional love no matter what the circumstances. I spent so many years denying Self and allowing others to tell me who and what I was. Today I celebrate every aspect of myself and own every last characteristic, idiosyncrasy, and God given gift. I honor my truth, intuition, energetic sensitivity, compassion, love, desire to connect, healing, gifts, and abilities. I have never known anything other than a death grip on people, places and things. Today I let life flow, allowing the universe to direct, embracing what is meant for me and lovingly releasing what is not. I thrived on control in an attempt to prepare and protect myself. Now I trust in divine plan. Searching for the message in each experience and trusting in my own ability to walk through anything that may come on my path. I have spent 35 years reacting out of defense, and never saying a word until angry enough. Today I respond from love, of Self and others and in alignment with my soul. I’ve also been the innocent bystander in another’s war against themselves. Today I see these behaviors as a cry for love. First, with love of Self, setting boundaries and a refusal to tolerate intentional harm in my space, and second with radical forgiveness via compassion and empathy.
I lived in fear. Plain and simple. As though life was nothing more than a battlefield and my supreme goal was to survive. Today I focus my energy and attention on discovering myself, connecting with my Higher Power, and seeking to fulfill my purpose. Which I believe is to love and serve all of creation, and I just have to keep my eyes peeled for the next opportunity to land on my path. I’m coming home. I’m coming back home to me.
If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would simply be to remind her that she is loved, she is love, and she is to love…Self first, then radiate it as far as the eye can see. And with every experience, ask one question of yourself….what are you going to do with it?
I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to share and connect with all of you. I apologize for the time away, but it turned out to be a period of major growth and transformation. I send you love each day and would love to hear about your journeys back to Self. Leave a comment, like and share, and let’s grow towards love together.
It’s been awhile since I last wrote. I apologize for disappearing. The truth of the matter is, there’s several reasons behind my disappearance. One contributing factor has been that life just gets plain old hectic and crazy and I lose time. I have been struggling to incorporate this specific passion and purpose in with the remainder of my daily activities. In addition to this challenge, I’ve been faced with a few difficulties in response to the practice of building on entries within my earlier book Rise Higher-Daily Reminders for the Rising Self. I believe this is because I’ve been called to action to embrace, embody, and set free my authentic self. And so the journey has begun again.
The irony of walking through this calling has been that I really, truly have come back to the place I began. I’m coming back home to me. All the way to my roots, my core. In reality, I’ve never strayed far. I never turned away from Self, I just silenced it. I won’t go into details of my story here, but the bottom line, is that I spent many years denying Self in order to belong in the world. And I’m having a great time finding the bits and pieces of myself again. It’s obviously not all rainbows and butterflies. There’s some harsh and painful truths to face. However, today I get to revisit and experience these truths with courage instead of fear. After all, that’s what my experiences were all about. They were meant to break down my walls and bust open my heart with an unconditional love for Self and others. I’m not perfect at it, and I’m no saint. But I’ve sent my intention to heal and to rise into a Higher Self that is focused on service to all creation. I’ve been walking this path for the last three years, after experiencing what I like to call My Moment of Destruction. During this time, something snapped, and my path was going to go one of two ways. Either I was going to shut down all together, or I was going to rise up. By grace, I began to rise.
During this time of healing, I wrote Rise Higher and published it. Revisiting it here and there and determining that I wasn’t it’s biggest fan. Which is not unusual for me, but I was able to see exactly what I didn’t like about it. First, it was too reserved. This was because I naturally had fear when I decided to publish my first book that was based on the lessons and healing that I’d experienced through the years prior. Understandable, but not exactly in alignment with self. So, I decided to elaborate further on earth entry through this page. But alas, I found further discrepancies between my previous writings and my current beliefs and practices. Namely, the concept of destroying the ego, and a few others. This is great news! It means I’m growing and evolving and coming further into alignment with Self and Source. I still have not reconciled the act of setting boundaries and the act of unconditional love. I fully believe in both simultaneously, but I haven’t clearly wrapped my head and heart around the process. More to come in that arena.
Another aspect of this sharing is that I do not wish to speak from a space of certainty and absolute. We’re all constantly growing and evolving, or at least I hope so! My hope is that we walk together, side by side, as we travel in wonder and enchantment down our paths back home. Rising in consciousness and lighting the way, hand in hand.
I will only be building on Rise Higher from time to time in the future, with regular postings as I’m able. However, in the meantime, I’m with you in spirit and taking each step together.
Love and light your way today and always,