I used to be an energetic, enthusiastic, curious and joyful child. Just like most of us are. And just like what many of us experience, I ran into push back and ridicule when I ventured out into the big world. Mainly for my looks, but also for my thoughts, emotions, ideas, and words. My reaction was also like many others…I shut down and conformed to a certain extent. This made me physically ill, and left me a little dead inside, but I wanted to belong more than I wanted to be me. I numbed primarily by closing my mouth, just trying to fit in, agreeing to and participating in things that did not line up with my soul. Like every other human being on the planet, my need to belong was at the expense of Self.
Instead of staying true to me, and allowing my tribe to find me, I hushed myself and held on with a death grip to the people who were either connecting with me in order to treat me the exact same way I was treating myself, or the ones who were trying to get away. The good news is that I never forgot who I was. I silenced and denied myself instead. Which inevitably led to a shaky foundation built purely on the ever changing and not so pleasant views, opinions, and validations from others. This was not anyone’s fault but my own. As they were only reflecting back to me what I had convinced myself of on the inside.
My foundation was fear and uncertainty, plain and simple. With denying of Self, there’s denying of love. Because, personally, I believe that that is what we are, and we can’t give what we don’t have. However, always, in the back of my mind, my conscious was still fired up and raging, reminding me constantly of who I was and trying desperately to guide me regardless of how hard I fought. What I didn’t know, at this young age, was what all these pieces of me meant. This led to many years of confusion, fear, anger, and self-abuse.
I was active in eating disorders by middle school, attracting to and seeking out toxic relationships by mid high school, and active addiction shortly after graduation. Those pieces of me that I couldn’t define, began to become clearer a few years later, and I began to connect the dots throughout my life. I am a visionary and I have a very different view of how our world could work, than how we are currently functioning. I am an empath and an intuit. I see right between the lines, I cut straight through the bullshit, and I can feel others energy and emotions as though they were my own. I always know people’s intentions, behaviors, and patterns, sometimes the second they walk through the door. I also know their pain, their suffering, their joy, and bliss as well. This applies to other energies too. I began to understand that I had a purpose of healing to fulfill, and that all of these experiences were leading me down my path. I began to understand that I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of others.
But alas, my desperate need to belong still reigned, and I allowed myself to be convinced I was crazy. I continued to agree to things that did not line up with my soul, and I continued to attract my mirrors, in what I believe was my Higher Power’s desperate attempts to call me back home to the place inside where it resides. To heal, to rest, to love, to rise, and to shine. But I didn’t listen, of course, and when the proverbial brick wall knocked me over with divinely inspired force, I broke. This time, though, was different. I didn’t numb. I always numb. In a millions different ways, by a million different means, I always denied Self in the truest way possible, and that was to not feel. But this time I felt. I felt every possible emotions in the human experience, to the point that I didn’t know what I was feeling.
I stayed here for a year or so, trying to make sense of what just happened, what did it all mean, and what was I supposed to do with it. I felt love like I’d never felt it before. I also felt excitement, joy, hatred, anger, fear, bliss, dumbfounded, forgiveness, and faith on the exact same level. I went from my typical introverted, closed mouth, insecure self and took it to the opposite extreme, reaching out and connecting to the point of exhaustion. It’s okay, because it probably saved me, and I was blessed with the gift of connections to so many angels in human form. However, I once again found myself agreeing to and participating in things that did not line up with my soul. So I sat still, I released, and I got aligned.
I have never in my life wanted to, thought to, or attempted to intentionally harm another human being. I am no different from another, for this is certainly part of my darkness. However, I directed that energy inward instead of outward. I’m no saint, but conscience mixed in with co-dependence wouldn’t allow intentional harm towards others in the past, and my quest to line up with love and that conscience won’t allow it now. I get angry over injustices and wrongs not being made right. I get angry at intentional harms being done by others to others. I get angry by the enabling of these actions and atmospheres. I get sad over losses of time an relations, and memories of experiences. But I don’t stay in these emotions. I let myself feel them and let them tell me what they need to tell me. I don’t judge myself for feeling them, and I don’t act while I’m feeling them. I release them with love when it’s time, and repeat the process each time they arrive.
Yes, I feel these things. However, in the core of my being, I have a belief, an understanding, you could even call it an agreement between myself and my higher power, that each and every experience has been a lesson. An opportunity. Each experience has been a chance for me to get back in alignment of love. Beginning with me, and radiating it out. I would not change a second of my life for what I have today.
I was born with a number of physical defects and disorders that led me to fear my survival on a regular basis. Many nights were spent with my head hitting the pillow just asking that I woke up the next morning. Today I’m learning to trust my body and treat it like a temple. Being grateful for the job that it is doing. I lived the majority of my life in shame of my chubbiness and inability to obtain a flat stomach. Facing ridicule and teasing as early as the 1st grade. Today I’m learning to love my body and appreciate it’s determination to take care of me. I chased after, attracted, and held onto toxic and abusive relationships of all kinds for the first 25 years. Even to the point of becoming exactly what it is that I despised by reacting abusively to the abuse itself. Today I begin with loving myself, having rock solid boundaries only on intentional harms, and practicing unconditional love no matter what the circumstances. I spent so many years denying Self and allowing others to tell me who and what I was. Today I celebrate every aspect of myself and own every last characteristic, idiosyncrasy, and God given gift. I honor my truth, intuition, energetic sensitivity, compassion, love, desire to connect, healing, gifts, and abilities. I have never known anything other than a death grip on people, places and things. Today I let life flow, allowing the universe to direct, embracing what is meant for me and lovingly releasing what is not. I thrived on control in an attempt to prepare and protect myself. Now I trust in divine plan. Searching for the message in each experience and trusting in my own ability to walk through anything that may come on my path. I have spent 35 years reacting out of defense, and never saying a word until angry enough. Today I respond from love, of Self and others and in alignment with my soul. I’ve also been the innocent bystander in another’s war against themselves. Today I see these behaviors as a cry for love. First, with love of Self, setting boundaries and a refusal to tolerate intentional harm in my space, and second with radical forgiveness via compassion and empathy.
I lived in fear. Plain and simple. As though life was nothing more than a battlefield and my supreme goal was to survive. Today I focus my energy and attention on discovering myself, connecting with my Higher Power, and seeking to fulfill my purpose. Which I believe is to love and serve all of creation, and I just have to keep my eyes peeled for the next opportunity to land on my path. I’m coming home. I’m coming back home to me.
If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would simply be to remind her that she is loved, she is love, and she is to love…Self first, then radiate it as far as the eye can see. And with every experience, ask one question of yourself….what are you going to do with it?
I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to share and connect with all of you. I apologize for the time away, but it turned out to be a period of major growth and transformation. I send you love each day and would love to hear about your journeys back to Self. Leave a comment, like and share, and let’s grow towards love together.